


if pagliacci had horns and was extremely drunk off his ass

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21793048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat gets drunk.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 33
Kudos: 280





	if pagliacci had horns and was extremely drunk off his ass

KARKAT: DAVE?  
KARKAT: DAAAAAAAVE?  
KARKAT: DAVE!  
DAVE: hey karkat whats up  
KARKAT: DAVE! I’VE BEEN LOOKING *EVERYWHERE* FOR YOU!  
DAVE: oh yeah why didnt you just text me  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I WANTED TO FIND YOU WITH MY GANDERBULBS!!  
KARKAT: NO WAIT SHIT YOU DON’T SAY GANDERBULBS DO YOU? YOU SAY EYES!  
KARKAT: THAT’S OK, DAVE, I SAY EYES TOO SOMETIMES, SO I CAN TRANSLATE FOR YOU! DON’T WORRY!  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: I MEANT MY EYES, DAVE! I WANTED TO FIND YOU WITH MY EYYYYYYYYES!!  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck is going on here  
KARKAT: I HAVE TO TELL YOU A SECRET, DAVE!  
DAVE: are you  
KARKAT: PLEASE DON’T GET MAD.  
DAVE: dude are you DRUNK?  
KARKAT: OH NOOO!  
KARKAT: PLEASE DAVE, PLEASE DON’T GET MAD! I CAN’T HANDLE IT WHEN YOU’RE MAD AT ME!  
DAVE: what happened dude have you been fucking hangin out with gamzee  
KARKAT: OH NO YOU’RE SO MAD! I CAN TELL! I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN YOU’RE MAD, DAVE!  
KARKAT: FUCK!!  
DAVE: man what the FUCK are you doin with gamzee  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO I WASN’T WITH GAMZEE, DAVE.  
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU THINK I WAS WITH GAMZEE??  
DAVE: why??  
DAVE: dude you fucking REEK of faygo its practically drippin outta your pores  
DAVE: its like the mother of all lipstick stains on the collar  
DAVE: except instead of fucking maybelline its a horrible sickly sweet cloud wafting offa you like pigpen at the christmas pageant  
DAVE: dude you smell like an expired lollipop  
KARKAT: I’M TELLING YOU DAVE I DIDN’T SEE GAMZEE! I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN *FOREVER!*  
DAVE: yeah well who were you drinkin faygo with then  
KARKAT: NOBODY! I FOUND IT!  
DAVE: you found it  
KARKAT: YEAH, IN A CHEST!  
DAVE: oh you mean one of those stupid pointless video game chests lining the hallways  
KARKAT: EXACTLY!!  
DAVE: you found a bottle of faygo in there  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: ok and you what you drank it  
DAVE: all alone in the dark  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
DAVE: haha why??  
KARKAT: OK, SO DAVE, HERE’S THE THING.  
KARKAT: I FOUND THIS CHEST AND I OPENED IT AND I SAW THE BOTTLE AND I WAS *SO* PISSED OFF, BECAUSE GAMZEE WAS JUST *ALWAYS* FUCKING GOING *ON* ABOUT THIS SHIT, LIKE HE WOULD *NEVER* FUCKING *STOP* IT WAS LIKE WE GET IT YOU DRINK SODA FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: OK SO I THOUGHT WHAT THE FUCK I’LL JUST TRY IT!  
KARKAT: LIKE I’LL JUST TAKE ONE TINY TASTE SO I CAN SEE ONCE AND FOR ALL HOW FUCKING AWFUL IT IS, AND I CAN GO AND TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: I WANTED TO TELL *YOU,* DAVE!  
KARKAT: I KNEW YOU’D *LOVE* THAT!  
DAVE: haha yeah i prolly would  
KARKAT: BUT!!  
DAVE: ...but?  
KARKAT: OK SO I TOOK A SIP AND HONESTLY???  
DAVE: ???  
KARKAT: (IT’S NOT THAT BAD.)  
DAVE: haha oh yeah?  
KARKAT: (YEAH!)  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT’S JUST SODA!!!!  
KARKAT: SO I TOOK ANOTHER SIP.  
KARKAT: (AND UH YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT, DAVE?)  
DAVE: (what)  
KARKAT: THAT ONE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD LIKE WOW IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE FIRST!!  
KARKAT: SO I TOOK ANOTHER.  
KARKAT: AND LIKE.  
KARKAT: EACH ONE JUST TASTED WAY BETTER THAN THE LAST.  
KARKAT: AND I STARTED *FEELING* SO MUCH BETTER OH MY GOD DAVE IT WAS AWESOME!  
KARKAT: BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT YOU!  
KARKAT: AND I STARTED TO GET LONELY.  
KARKAT: AND I STARTED TO FEEL GUILTY.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I WAS SITTING THERE ALL ON MY FUCKING OWN NEXT TO THAT STUPID CHEST FEELING SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH *YOU,* DAVE!  
KARKAT: SO I CAME AND FOUND YOU!  
KARKAT: SO WE COULD SHARE...  
KARKAT: UH...  
DAVE: oh boy  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: HOLD ON...  
DAVE: yeah im holdin on  
KARKAT: STUPID FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHITASS FUCKING SYLLADEX...  
KARKAT: FUUUUUCK!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: THIS!!!!  
DAVE: oh hey look there it is  
DAVE: goddamn karkat was this thing full when you started  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I HAD TO  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: (CRACK OPEN THE WICKED ELIXIR.)  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: please do not ever say that again  
DAVE: you sound just like gamzee its bad enough you fucking smell like him  
KARKAT: OK!!  
DAVE: ok so wait  
DAVE: im confused  
DAVE: gamzee didnt like give you any drugs or anything  
KARKAT: NO, I TOLD YOU! I HAVEN’T SEEN GAMZEE IN *SO* FUCKING LONG, HOW WEIRD IS THAT?  
DAVE: so whats your secret  
KARKAT: MY SECRET?  
DAVE: yeah that you were so worried id get mad about  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: MY SECRET.  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: IS THAT...  
KARKAT: (I’M REALLY FUCKING DRUNK.)  
DAVE: hahaha oh my god thats it??  
DAVE: well shit karkat i think the jig might be fuckin up  
DAVE: you tied that jig to a rocket and fuckin launched it into the stratosphere  
DAVE: its in orbit bro its NEVER comin down  
KARKAT: REALLY??  
DAVE: yeah i kinda caught on when you came stumblin in slurrin my name all wide eyed and fake whispering and i immediately asked you point blank if you were drunk  
KARKAT: OH WOW HUH YOU’RE RIGHT...  
KARKAT: MAN THAT SECRET **SUCKS!**  
DAVE: hahaha yeah it really fucking does  
DAVE: ok but back the fuck up  
DAVE: does that mean...  
DAVE: are you like...  
DAVE: are you drunk on soda right now karkat is that seriously whats going on here  
KARKAT: YEAH I THINK I AM!  
DAVE: what that makes no fucking sense its just soda  
DAVE: like all it is is sugar  
DAVE: ive seen you eat sugar plenty of times it never did anything like this to you trust me i woulda fuckin noticed  
KARKAT: I DONNO, DAVE!  
KARKAT: MAYBE...  
KARKAT: MAYBE IT’S MAGIC!  
DAVE: hahaha oh man magic?  
DAVE: youre fuckin playing the MAGIC card here?  
KARKAT: YEAH WHY NOT WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?  
DAVE: haha oh my god no this soda is not magic dude im sorry  
DAVE: like first off magic isnt real but second off even if it was the last person it would ever apply to is fucking gamzee  
DAVE: absolutely no way  
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU TRY IT?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: COME ON I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU, THAT’S WHY I CAME TO FIND YOU, AND IF YOU WANNA PROVE *SO BAD* THAT MAGIC ISN’T REAL THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST DRINK IT AND SEE?  
DAVE: ugh man no i dont wanna drink this  
DAVE: you prolly backwashed all over it  
KARKAT: NO I DIDN’T I SWEAR I WAS SO CAREFUL!  
DAVE: uh huh  
KARKAT: PLEASE JUST TRY IT, DAVE! PLEASE!!  
DAVE: ugh ok fine  
DAVE: here we go...  
KARKAT: .......  
DAVE: yep yeah that is just some shit ass soda  
DAVE: exactly like on earth except this versions also 30 percent karkat spit minimum  
KARKAT: DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING??  
DAVE: no i really dont bro sorry  
KARKAT: OH NOOOOOOO!!!  
DAVE: hahaha its ok its prolly good at least one of us isnt a total hot mess right now  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT AGAIN!  
DAVE: naw im good  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO DISAPPOINTING!  
KARKAT: THIS WAS GONNA BE SPECIAL!  
KARKAT: FUCK!!!!!  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: ...WELL IF IT DOESN’T WORK ON YOU, I’M JUST GONNA FINISH IT.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: oh no no no hey  
DAVE: i think youve had enough tonight ok buddy  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DAVE?  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A DICK??  
DAVE: man im bein a dick because i dont know what the fuck this stuff is gonna do to you  
DAVE: do you?  
KARKAT: IT’S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL AWESOME IS WHAT.  
DAVE: yeah for now for sure  
DAVE: but dude you gotta understand the only other troll i know who drinks this nasty garbage is a literal homicidal maniac  
DAVE: i think its in my best fuckin interest to keep that shit in check when it comes to you dont you  
KARKAT: I DON’T *FEEL* HOMICIDAL.  
DAVE: well thats good karkat that is hella reassuring  
DAVE: but also i just dont want you gettin alcohol poisoning or fuckin sugar or red dye 37 poisoning or whatever the hell  
DAVE: like you drank so much of this man is this fucking safe?  
KARKAT: YEAH DEFINITELY.  
DAVE: are you sure  
KARKAT: ...OH FUCK!  
KARKAT: I’M *NOT* SURE!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE HOLY SHIT AM I *DYING??*  
DAVE: no shh karkat i dont think youre dying  
KARKAT: YOU SURE??  
DAVE: yeah im pretty sure  
DAVE: i think youre probably just really fucking drunk off your ass is all  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: i should really text one of the other trolls tho see if they know anything about this  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD NO!  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT THEM TO KNOW!!  
DAVE: what why  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST... REALLY REALLY EMBARRASSING! OK??  
DAVE: wow so now its embarrassing  
DAVE: you didnt seem all that embarrassed a minute ago when you came crashin in here  
KARKAT: YEAH BUT THAT WAS JUST YOU, DAVE!  
KARKAT: I’M NOT EMBARRASSED IF IT’S JUST YOU!!  
DAVE: haha thanks  
KARKAT: ᗡ:B  
DAVE: bahaha wow never thought id see THAT face on you  
KARKAT: ᗡ:B ᗡ:B ᗡ:B  
DAVE: oh my GOD unreal  
DAVE: man i gotta say i did not see this coming  
DAVE: like out of all of us  
DAVE: if anyone was gonna get completely shitass wasted  
DAVE: you woulda been my last guess  
KARKAT: WHAT? HOW COME?  
DAVE: i donno i guess its just so not who you are you know  
DAVE: its pretty fuckin outta character tbh  
DAVE: like ok maybe vriska honestly woulda been more of a shock  
DAVE: but even so with you...  
DAVE: i donno its kinda perfect  
DAVE: like the comedic juxtaposition is greater  
DAVE: theres some serious ironic payoff here  
KARKAT: OH NOOOOOOOOOO!  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE NO *PLEASE* STOP!  
DAVE: stop what  
KARKAT: TALKING ABOUT IRONY!!  
DAVE: haha what why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU’RE *TERRIBLE* AT IT!  
KARKAT: YOU SUCK SO MUCH AT IT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS AND IT’S *HORRIBLE!*  
DAVE: damn dude  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS, DAVE. IT’S SO EMBARRASSING TO SEE SOMEBODY WHO SUCKS SO MUCH AT IRONY BE *SO* FUCKING HUNG UP ON IT!  
KARKAT: IT’S ALMOST LIKE...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD!  
KARKAT: *OH MY GOD!*  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
DAVE: ??  
KARKAT: I FIGURED IT OUT!  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU *ARE* THE IRONY!  
KARKAT: IT’S YOU!  
DAVE: haha oh man thats pretty good im totally gonna steal that  
KARKAT: OK SURE, GO AHEAD! YOU COULD REALLY FUCKING USE IT!  
DAVE: damn drunk karkat is sassy as hell  
DAVE: like even sassier than usual  
KARKAT: NO I’M NOT I’M CHARMING AS SHIT!  
DAVE: bahaha ok actually you kinda fucking are  
DAVE: like man if i had to predict what this scene would be like i prolly woulda bet on lots of unending angry rants  
DAVE: woulda marched right up to my bookie or dealer or whatever i donno how gambling works and said yes hello as you know i have accrued vast untold sums of crocodile wealth  
DAVE: and on the pool of drunk karkat i would like to place every last penny on a million tirades each more verbose and thunderous than the last  
DAVE: the bookie gives a sly lil knowing nod as if to say oh my playing it safe today i see mr strider  
DAVE: and i nod back like hell yes im playin it safe safest fucking bet i ever made  
DAVE: and then i like quadruple my money  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: look im not sayin this is a bad turn of events cuz tbh its pretty amazing  
DAVE: its just unexpected  
KARKAT: UGH I JUST GOT SO TIRED *LISTENING* TO *YOU* RAMBLE ON AND ON AN ON.  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA DO THAT! I DON’T WANNA RANT! FUCK THAT! WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO RANT, DAVE?  
KARKAT: IT’S SO FUCKING HARD.  
DAVE: haha really?  
KARKAT: YEAH! I DON’T THINK I HAVE...  
KARKAT: THE WORDS.  
KARKAT: THE WORDS ARE JUST TOO HARD RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: holy shit  
KARKAT: AND ANYWAY I’M *HAPPY!* I FEEL *GREAT!* WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO RANT ABOUT??  
DAVE: well damn bro good for you  
KARKAT: YEAH!!  
DAVE: maybe tomorrow  
KARKAT: WHY WHAT’S HAPPENING TOMORROW??  
DAVE: nothin just if you get drunk the same way humans do i think you might be lil more in the mood is all  
KARKAT: BUT I’M *NOT* A HUMAN, DAVE!  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA BE A HUMAN?  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALL SO STUPID AND SOFT AND... AND STUPID...  
DAVE: oh my god karkat is this it  
DAVE: is this seriously you trying to rant right now??  
KARKAT: UGGGH I TOLD YOU IT’S *HARD!*  
DAVE: fuckin incredible  
DAVE: you know what youre right this might be the most charming shit ive ever seen in my life  
KARKAT: YEAH IT IS!  
DAVE: hahaha  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: DAVE!  
DAVE: karkat  
KARKAT: DAVE, I’M *SO* SORRY THE FAYGO DOESN’T WORK ON YOU!  
KARKAT: I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.  
KARKAT: I AM SO PISSED OFF!!  
DAVE: but not enough to rant  
KARKAT: *FUCK* NO!  
DAVE: bahaha its ok karkat you can stick to charmingly pissed off this is so great  
KARKAT: OK PHEW!  
DAVE: yeah youre off the hook  
KARKAT: I *AM* PISSED OFF THOUGH!  
DAVE: sorry man  
DAVE: i mean honestly im pretty sure just regular alcohol would have a pretty similar effect on me but-  
KARKAT: WHAT! LET’S GO GET SOME THEN!  
DAVE: naw lets not its better this way trust me  
KARKAT: BUT I WANTED TO SHARE IT WITH YOU!  
DAVE: oh you definitely are dont worry about that  
KARKAT: NO, I MEAN REALLY *SHARE* IT!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND, DAVE!  
DAVE: oh my god i cannot BELIEVE youre going full drunk cliche right now holy shit this is the best  
KARKAT: BUT YOU ARE!!  
DAVE: bahaha oh yeah now tell me how much you love me  
KARKAT: I *DO* LOVE YOU!!  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK OF *COURSE* I DO!!!!  
KARKAT: DAVE, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND EVER AND I LOVE YOU SO *FUCKING* MUCH!!!!  
DAVE: haha thanks man  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW GAMZEE USED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.  
DAVE: yeah i know  
KARKAT: BUT THEN HE WENT AND FUCKING KILLED ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS!  
DAVE: yeah i... i know man that really sucks  
KARKAT: IT *DOES* SUCK!  
KARKAT: HOLY *SHIT* DAVE YOU ARE *SUCH* A BETTER FRIEND THAN GAMZEE OH MY *GOD!*  
DAVE: wow thanks karkat i can really take that one all the way to the fuckin bank  
DAVE: dave strider: better friend than an insane murder clown  
DAVE: gonna put that on my resume  
DAVE: or at least i would if jobs were still a thing that existed  
KARKAT: NO, I’M SERIOUS DAVE, YOU ARE *SO* MUCH BETTER THAN HIM, AND I DON’T EVEN JUST MEAN BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T KILL A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALTHOUGH THAT IS A *HUGE* POINT IN YOUR FAVOR DO *NOT* DISREGARD THAT!  
DAVE: i definitely wont  
KARKAT: YOU’RE GREAT IN LOTS OF WAYS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NICE.  
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE FUNNY.  
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE REALLY GOOD AT RAPPING.  
DAVE: haha oh yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH! YOU’RE ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT!  
KARKAT: I KNOW I LIKE TO PRETEND I DON’T LIKE IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: (I’M FULL OF SHIT, DAVE!)  
DAVE: when are you full of shit then or now  
KARKAT: THEN!!!  
DAVE: oh hey nice  
KARKAT: IT *IS* NICE! I *DO* LIKE IT!  
KARKAT: I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOUR MUSIC! I’M SO FUCKING GLAD THAT YOU MAKE IT!  
DAVE: holy shit the truth comes out!  
DAVE: karkat are you sure youre actually drunk cuz youre startin to make a hell of a lotta sense all of a sudden  
KARKAT: OH I’M SO DRUNK DAVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA!  
DAVE: bahaha  
KARKAT: I’M JUST TRYING TO TELL YOU.  
KARKAT: ALL THE REASONS I LIKE YOU.  
KARKAT: AND WHY YOU’RE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND EVER.  
KARKAT: OK??  
KARKAT: CAN YOU HANDLE THAT, DAVE???  
DAVE: haha yeah man i think i can handle that  
KARKAT: OK, GOOD!  
KARKAT: WELL NOW I FUCKING LOST TRACK!  
KARKAT: OK LET’S SEE...  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NICE. YOU’RE FUNNY. YOU MAKE AWESOME MUSIC.  
KARKAT: WHAT ELSE?  
KARKAT: OH, YOU WATCH MOVIES WITH ME.  
KARKAT: YOU PUT UP WITH ALL MY SHIT.  
KARKAT: YOU MAKE GOOD CEREAL.  
KARKAT: ...YOU’RE WARM.  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO FUCKING WARM!  
DAVE: hey karkat whoa  
DAVE: this is gettin uh  
DAVE: pretty up close and personal  
KARKAT: I DON’T HUG YOU ENOUGH, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I DON’T TELL YOU I LIKE YOUR MUSIC ENOUGH AND I DON’T HUG YOU ENOUGH.  
KARKAT: AND YOU DON’T HUG ME!  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK IS THAT, DAVE?  
DAVE: uh because its a big giant invasion of personal space karkat thats why  
KARKAT: WELL FUCK THAT!  
KARKAT: IT’S NICE!  
KARKAT: AND YOU’RE SO *WARM!*  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD DEFINITELY HUG MORE.  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD HUG ALL THE FUCKING TIME OH MY GOD!  
DAVE: man im not sure this qualifies as a hug karkat  
DAVE: pretty sure this is somethin somebody with less propriety would call a full on snuggle  
KARKAT: WELL THEN WE SHOULD SNUGGLE MORE!  
KARKAT: IT’S REALLY NICE!  
KARKAT: MMMMM.  
DAVE: karkat come on get off me man  
KARKAT: NAW.  
DAVE: dude seriously  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S NICE HERE.  
KARKAT: YAAAAAAAAAAWN.  
KARKAT: I’M JUST GONNA...  
DAVE: oh fuck you karkat dont you dare  
KARKAT: SMACK SMACK.  
DAVE: dont you fucking fall asleep  
KARKAT: MMMMMMMMMMMM.  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: seriously??  
DAVE: dude if you throw up on me...  
DAVE: i dont think even god tier pajamas can withstand fucking faygo vomit  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: karkat!  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: sigh  


turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 

TG: yo kanaya you there i need your super mom powers  
GA: My What  
TG: your mom powers you gotta activate them theres a crisis at hand  
GA: Dave  
GA: Moms Are A Concept That Is Utterly Foreign To My Species  
GA: It Is Only Through Extensive Conversation With You And Rose That I Even Recognize That Word At All  
TG: cmon you know what i mean your super responsible maternal instinct jade blood wisdom  
TG: i need it  
GA: Is That Really All You Think Im Good For  
GA: Mom Wisdom  
TG: oh my god i should have just asked rose to ask you  
TG: im already up to my neck in bullshit over here i do not need this  
GA: Okay Im Sorry  
GA: I Have Officially Activated My Powers  
GA: What Do You Need  
TG: ok here is my official submission are you ready for it  
GA: Yes Dave  
TG: ok cool so in your opinion  
TG: from a responsible momly position can you please tell me  
TG: everything you know   
TG: about faygo  
GA: Faygo  
TG: yeah the fuckin juggalo soda the wicked elixir itself what exactly is its deal  
GA: What Are You Doing Getting Mixed Up With Faygo  
GA: Oh No Is Gamzee There  
TG: no gamzees not here goddamn what do you take me for  
TG: and im not mixed up in it at least not directly  
TG: uh  
TG: im asking this question for a friend  
TG: and yes i am fully aware that that phrase is usually 100 percent reserved as code for when something is actually about yourself  
TG: but in this case it is really genuinely about a friend ok you gotta believe me  
GA: Oh My God  
GA: Dave  
GA: Is Karkat Drunk  
TG: ...maybe  
GA: Oh This Is Amazing  
GA: Wait  
GA: Oh No  
GA: Are He And Gamzee Together  
TG: naw  
TG: he just fucking found a bottle of the stuff and got drunk by his own self like a sad lil hallway juggalo  
TG: the darkest of dark carnivals of the soul  
TG: a tiny circus for one  
TG: karkat is literally pagliacci right now  
TG: if pagliacci had horns and was extremely drunk off his ass  
GA: Oh This Is Too Good  
GA: Dave  
GA: Karkat Does Not Get Drunk  
GA: Karkat Does Not Loosen Up  
GA: At All  
GA: Ever  
TG: yeah well hes pretty fucking loose now lemme tell you  
GA: So Hes With You  
TG: yeah he is... definitely that  
TG: i am not gonna lose track of him lets just say  
GA: Okay Good  
GA: ...  
GA: Where Are You  
TG: what??  
TG: youre not fucking coming here  
GA: Oh Yes I Most Certainly Am  
GA: I Have To See This  
GA: And Rose Is Extremely Interested As Well  
GA: Please Tell Us Your Exact Whereabouts Immediately  
TG: no!  
TG: im not telling you shit  
TG: and dont you dare come looking for us  
TG: look hes asleep now anyway  
TG: shows over nothing to see  
TG: unless you want an eyeful of some extremely sloppy and sticky lip smacking  
TG: ug  
TG: it is seriously disgusting  
TG: but not in an interesting way ok i swear  
TG: just boring and gross  
TG: the levels of boring and gross here right now are dangerously high  
TG: its not safe here kanaya stay away save yourself  
GA: Well I Have To Say  
GA: This Is Very Disappointing  
GA: Why Did You Message Me At All  
TG: oh right i just wanna know like  
TG: how... bad is it that he drank this shit?  
TG: like it doesnt uh  
TG: it doesnt actually turn you into a juggalo does it  
GA: Haha Is That What You Think It Does  
TG: look kanaya i am way outta my depth here ok  
TG: this motherfucker got wasted on soda  
TG: something that in my species is not just impossible  
TG: it is COMICALLY impossible  
TG: apparently i dont know dick about this stuff  
TG: all i do know is i would be extremely goddamn heartbroken slash terrified if karkat woke up fucking rapping about miracles and reaching for the face paint  
TG: im not freaking out or anything  
TG: but just typing out that scenario is wreaking all kinds of havoc on my general state of chill  
GA: Okay Okay Calm Down  
GA: Youre Safe  
GA: It Definitely Does Not Turn You Into A Juggalo  
GA: Thats More Of A  
GA: Spiritual Decision  
TG: ohh thank fuck  
TG: that is a real load off seriously  
TG: i could not fucking handle a juggalo karkat  
GA: I Dont Think Any Of Us Could  
TG: yeah phew  
TG: so what then its just like alcohol for you guys  
TG: like it just gets you really drunk but you get over it  
GA: Hold On  
TG: k  
GA: Okay I Have Conferred With Rose And Yes  
GA: It Sounds Like Its Effects Are Very Similar To Those Of Alcohol On Humans  
TG: oh damn thats right i guess rose is the resident expert huh  
GA: She Does Have A Lot Of Unfortunate Past Experience That Is Proving Useful Yes  
TG: shit roses alky mom to the rescue  
GA: I Dont Think Im Going To Tell Her You Said That  
TG: yeah fuck prolly dont  
TG: anyway uh  
TG: so thats good news and all  
TG: but like  
TG: is there such a thing as drinking too much  
TG: like with alcohol there definitely is im pretty sure it can get to be a big fucking problem  
GA: How Much Did He Drink  
TG: uh... pretty much all but a couple swigs of a one liter bottle  
TG: i donno know what that is in troll measurements  
TG: uh  
TG: according to the label this bottle holds exactly one squiggle  
TG: does that help  
GA: Hold On Just A Minute  
TG: k  
TG: damn  
TG: i got the dream team on the case here  
TG: the only nurturing kinda troll in town and a human who was raised by a functioning alcoholic  
TG: you guys are such a power couple i swear to god  
GA: Okay Im Back  
GA: From My Power Couple Conference  
TG: cool whats the verdict  
GA: Rose And I Have Determined That Karkat Has Drunk The Human Equivalent Of 1.5 Bottles Of Wine  
TG: ok so uh  
TG: is that like  
TG: bad?  
TG: huh maybe you didnt need to translate this into human after all turns out i dont know shit about alcohol  
TG: sorry  
GA: It Should Be Fine  
GA: Hes Going To Feel Absolutely Terrible In The Morning  
GA: But Hell Get Over It  
GA: He Must Have Been Quite The Impressive Sight Before He Passed Out  
GA: I Cant Believe We Missed The Show  
GA: Dave  
GA: You Have To Call Us Immediately If This Ever Happens Again  
TG: yeah it was uh  
TG: it was definitely something  
TG: i think were both gonna be glad there was no audience for it tbh  
TG: he was mostly just really excited and super uh  
TG: into our friendship  
GA: Oh Really  
TG: yeah lotsa proclamations and grabby ass hugging  
GA: Ass Hugging???  
TG: what no  
TG: holy shit no  
TG: oh my god  
TG: just regular hugging  
TG: of the grabby variety  
GA: Yes Of Course  
TG: it was!  
TG: seriously he just...  
TG: told me a whole fucking lot how good a friend i am ok  
GA: That Makes Sense  
TG: why  
GA: Because You Are A Good Friend Dave  
GA: Karkat Is Very Fortunate To Have You Looking After Him  
TG: yeah yeah i just let him ramble til he passed out on top of me im friend of the fuckin year  
GA: Wait  
TG: oh shit  
GA: Is He  
TG: fuuuuck  
GA: Is He On Top Of You Right Now  
TG: ugh  
TG: no  
TG: not on top of exactly  
TG: just uh  
TG: he is very near at hand ok lets just leave it at that  
GA: Dave  
GA: I Feel Obliged To Report To You That Rose Is Currently Emitting A Sound That Can Only Be Described  
GA: Onomatopoeiacally  
GA: As A Squee  
TG: oh my god  
GA: Hold On  
TG: what  
TG: whats going on over there  
TG: how many conferences do you need  
GA: Dave  
GA: Do Not Disturb Him  
TG: what?  
GA: Im Serious  
GA: Do Not Disturb Him Bodily In Any Way  
GA: It Is Of The Utmost Importance That He Sleeps Soundly Through The Night  
GA: If Not The Results Could Be Dire  
TG: what no no way  
TG: you made me hold on  
TG: you were talking to rose  
TG: rose doesnt know shit about troll drunks she just wants me stuck like this  
TG: dont think im not wise to your game i know exactly whats going on here  
GA: Fine  
GA: If You Want To Stake Karkats Life On It  
GA: Go Ahead And Move Him  
TG: ...........  
TG: ugggggggghhh  
TG: maryam you crafty ass minx  
GA: I Dont Know What That Is But I Highly Resent The Tone  
TG: all night  
TG: you want me to stay like this all fucking night  
GA: Yes  
GA: That Is The Amount Of Time Most People Tend To Sleep  
GA: Technically In Karkats Case It Would Be All Day  
GA: But In The Interest Of Expediency  
GA: And Allowing For The Fact That We Are Not Currently Orbiting Any Stars To Facilitate A Diurnal Pattern  
GA: Lets Just Leave It At All Night  
TG: yeah that sure was way more expedient thanks a bunch kanaya  
TG: man i dont wanna be stuck here like this all fuckin night  
TG: its embarrassing  
TG: im not gonna be able to sleep  
TG: he smells like a fucking candy store exploded out of an ass  
TG: and i just know if i do by some miracle fall asleep im gonna wake up come morning coated head to toe in half-digested faygo  
TG: this sucks  
GA: I Dont Know Dave  
GA: Im Not Sure You Think This Sucks At All  
GA: I Think  
GA: You Might Just Think  
GA: Its Kind Of Rad  
TG: oh my god that sounds so weird coming from you was that actually rose  
TG: it was wasnt it  
GA: No That Was All Me  
TG: god everybodys outta fuckin character tonight  
GA: Anyway Rose And I Were Going To Go To Bed Soon  
GA: Obviously Karkat Is Well On His Way  
GA: For Your Own Sake I Suggest You Try To Do The Same  
TG: yeah ill fuckin try  
TG: youre welcome btw for making your night with all these juicy deets and squees and whatnot  
GA: And Youre Welcome For All The Genuine Much Needed Advice We Provided  
TG: yeah yeah fine i guess were even  
GA: Goodnight Dave  
TG: yeah gnite  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling  grimAuxiliatrix [GA] 

DAVE: ...  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: god this sucks  
DAVE: you smell so gross you know that  
DAVE: and your face is all fuckin sticky  
DAVE: ugh  
DAVE: undisturbed sleep my ass kanaya is so full of shit  
DAVE: she and rose just wanna stay up all night gigglin about this stupid ass scene  
DAVE: rose is prolly writing a whole fuckin gay wizard chapter based on us as we speak  
DAVE: she prolly thinks its all adorable or some shit  
DAVE: little does she know you look like absolute ass right now  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: you are gonna be such a fucking wreck in the morning dude oh my god  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: this is so stupid  
DAVE: ugh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: goodnight i guess  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: :)  



End file.
